4th of July is coming up!

Fourth of July used to be one of my most favorite holidays as a kid... now that I'm older, not so much. I often think about the cookouts we had years ago when my cousin Josh was still alive. That was one of the few holidays I saw him.

I find that I'm thinking about him a lot more these days. I ofter go through phases where I get used to the idea that he's gone, and he remains in my thoughts, but then other times it seems like he's all I think about. Maybe it's because it's slowly creeping up on the 5 year anniversary of his death. I can't believe it's already been this long... when it honestly sometimes feels like yesterday he disappeared without a trace.

Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time, and erase this whole thing from happening, but ever since I could remember, Joshua always told me- he was going to die before he reached 30. I never thought 23 was ideal though. Sometimes I wonder if he knew. Could he foresee things like this? Being Native American, with a spiritual belief, it's possible that he just knew. I don't know why all of this is so heavy on my mind today...

I'm still feeling good because I'm changing my life, letting go of people, and situations, and moving on. I'm completely OK, with becoming an Adult... it just would have been nice if some people were around to see me through all these transitions.... then again, Josh probably would have encouraged me to do things differently, haha. I miss him.

Detox

I've been saying for months, that I need to rid my life of people who are going absolutely no where! Those who I have talked about it with know this is something I have been wanting to do for at least 10 months now, but apart of me felt guilty for wanting to end friendships with people because I know I am better than them, and can't be around jealous people who want to bring me down. I slowly distanced myself by not going to outings and parties that I was invited to, then I went and deleted them, and their family from my facebook and blocked them, until finally it was time to end it. My mom has always taught me that no matter where you go in life not to forget where you came from and the people that were there. Out of loyalty to the people who were there in my past- I remained friends, but continued to feed them with a long handled spoon for quite sometime, BUT lets face the facts-- We outgrow people who aren't on the same level as us, and FINALLY that time has come for me. I honestly couldn't be happier. Sometimes things happen for reasons, so when in doubt, go with it, and always let go of people who want nothing but to hold you back in negativity, because life stops for NO ONE.

I'm a mature adult, and to settle for anything less than respect is just beyond crazy. I will never settle for disrespect in any situation no matter who they are- just because someone has been in my life for a long time, but is jealous of the things I've accomplished in life, and the kind of person I am does not mean that I have to keep you in my life.  I've outgrown you. There is no reason at all for me to keep a fake jealous person in my life. If the relationship is toxic with anyone, my best advice is to end it, no matter how it ends...end it! When all these people are gone, you find yourself at peace... and believe me. I have a long list of people I have let go, and I have never felt better! Who needs the additional stress and drama. I wasn't raised in the street, and I surely will never ever stoop to the level of a low life ever again. I'm at peace while those wanting to bring me down are miserable with their own life, and hide behind lies. I know the truth. I need nothing more than that.

If you're unhappy, find what makes you happy. If you want more from life- then do it! I will never settle for anything less than I deserve in my life. I have been through a lot, I have overcome a lot, and I have succeeded with the support of my loved ones- my family, and a few close friends. I'm completely content with that.

All things good or bad come to an end. :)

Back to Basics...

I'm making the remainder of the month MINE :)

Induction Day 1:

It's never bad starting for me... cutting out the carbs and sugar. Sometimes it's just a pain because love sweets, and fresh fruit. I've been struggling with my weight FOREVER (just like sandlot...lol). The doctor recommended cutting out all bread, potatoes, rice, etc- to me that sounds like Atkins-- so here I am once again back on induction with the very basic of food groups- PROTEIN, and VEGGIES.

I weighed in pretty heavy this morning. I'm always so horrible at sticking to diets. That's my number one problem. It's always a diet, and my cheat day is always extreme. I need to focus on it being a lifestyle change and eating in moderation. I need to stay motivated- I so quickly lose my motivation when the results aren't seen in the number on the scale. I'm throwing out the scale for the first 2 weeks of induction. It is going to be hidden- actually it's already done because I don't want to look at it. I have to stay focused on my eating and exercise and less on the number on the scale. I plan to update regularly on this subject.

Life for me is going to be changing anyway. I went on my interview last week, and received a call yesterday saying I was hired for my first Nursing Job :) It's so exciting. I'm going to be working the evening 3p-11p shift for now, but it's a start. I won't complain just yet. I always have options to change shifts once they open up and my foot is now in the door. But now with a full time job 5 days a week, my breakfast lunch and dinner schedule is going to be pretty consistent, and lots of time on my feet moving around the floor, taking care of patients and much less time sitting and snacking! For me, as tiring as it sounds to some, it sounds exciting to me, because that's always how I maintained most of my weight loss in the past. I worked 16 hour doubles waiting tables and being on my feet, and eating less. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to benefits and the pay!!

Sleepless in... Buffalo

Not being able to sleep is a common problem of mine these days. I don't know what it is... I don't know if it's different things on my mind, or I'm just resorting back to my old pattern of sleep. Either way, I don't really like it so much. I always spend the evening feeling so tired, and then as soon as I lay down in my bed and turn everything off- I suddenly become wide awake. What fun.

Here it is almost 4am, and I'm not even the least little bit of sleepy. :::sigh::: I spend so much time reflecting on my past, and I think to myself all those days I spent countless nights on myspace (lol) what the heck was I doing besides looking at everyone's business, and designing my own page and making it 100% about myself... Back then I thought I was pretty great, but then again the more things I added and made myself look full of it, the more it pissed of some girls hahaha. I'm too old for that now... but what a waste of time and energy.

I wish I could fall asleep. I have such a busy Tuesday ahead of me... lots to get in order for the party on Saturday. I have a laundry list of things to do, but I always get it done. When this is all over and done, I plan to hit my books really hard! I have a state exam to take. Maybe I'm stressing over this exam indirectly which is the reason for my interrupted sleep, or lack there of.  Maybe I'm even a little nervous about the interview I have on Wednesday for a Nursing Job. But I do know my life is changing in many ways, some not so subtle ways and changes at that...but it's much needed that I know.

I'm still trucking along on the weight loss, infact I have Zumba this evening- if I ever get some sleep! I can't wait for my cheat day on Saturday though- lol sad to say I'm looking forward to all that good food, cake, and alcohol... I'm ready for the tequila in my margarita and a celebration of all my hard work and accomplishments with loved ones.

Someday You Will Miss Me When I'm Gone...

I'm not a perfect person.... by any means at all. I've made more mistakes in life than I am able to count. I regret the ones that tore my relationship apart, but through my mistakes, I now know the person I never want to be again.

I was recently out shopping and happened to run into an old friend from my early 20's. (I say it like I'm old, haha, but only because I feel it). The person actually said to me- I can't believe how different you are- "How much you've changed." I laughed and said I grew up... that's what people do in their adult life-- they grow up! They continued to tell me how they've waited years to catch me on a season of The Bad Girls Club-- I laughed even more! I may be crazy, and yes, back then I had no fears, and an attitude that you only live once. I wasn't much of a scrapper, but I would never hesitate to put someone in their place if need be. I was a bit more popular then, but I was also about 90 pounds lighter than what I currently am... but aside from my physical appearance- I did change. I became involved with a man, that I thought was the relationship that I wanted, somehow I realized soon in that I wasn't ready for the same things that he wanted. I loved him. I still do, but he changed me and my life forever. I was no longer the party girl I used to be with him. I was a stay at home girlfriend- taken and spending every moment together. I was a little resentful at times because I wasn't quite ready for the relationship I got. At some point I wanted what he wanted, but at that moment- I just wasn't ready, and with that being said- This Bad Girl made some poor choices and one thing lead to another. I've come to terms with my faults, and my wrongs. I've tried to make them right, but some just aren't as forgiving as others.

I never claimed to be perfect, I was once just very confident in the type of person I was going to be. I let someone change me, and maybe not for the worst. Though our relationship didn't work, he taught me things I needed to know about myself, and about the people I once wanted to surround myself with, unfortunately those people I drank and partied with... are exactly where they were 3 years ago, but worse off.

I'm done crying over things I no longer have control over. I can't make anyone love me who doesn't, I can't make someone accept me, and I can't make anyone forgive and trust me.... the only way for me to be ok is to love, forgive, and let go... I am who I am, and I'm going to stay true to myself. I'm okay with that.

Rainy Monday

It may be raining [again], but I've decided to make the most of it and do some things that need to be done inside the house- like clean my disastrous room, put away the laundry, and go through and get rid of clothes that I will more than likely never fit in this life time. hanging on to those old size 8's aren't doing me any good. If ever I was to get to a size 8 again, I probably wouldn't even like them... haha.

SO... I am going to make the best of this and decrease my junk space and make it into usable space. Maybe I'll even plan for a yard sale- I have a ton to get rid of! Mine as well make a little money off of it, and whatever doesn't sell, I'll donate of course just to get it out of the house. I'm not a hoarder, but I'm definitely a shopper! lol

I really need to sit down, and get back to studying for my board exam. I am so nervous about it because I've taken quite a few days away from the books, and I know I need to get back to it. I feel like I've forgotten everything, but I really just needed the break away from it all. I'm stressing about passing, and I know people who aren't worried about it at all, and aren't even planning to take their boards right now. Wish I was one of the people who didn't worry, and nonchalantly decided to take them in October rather than immediately. However, I have debt that needs to be paid, soooo I need to get these boards taken, get get these bills paid!

And since I started my morning back on track today, I plan to stay on track.... so with that being said, I need to find another means of working out since the rain has hindered my 2 mile walk. Maybe if it lets up some, I'll still go. I planned to grill kabobs today too! :::sigh::: I'm still going to do it, in the rain, oh well!

Hope you have a wonderful Monday!

Another Blog?

Yes... another blog. I'll call this my everything blog because I need a place to write down all the many feelings and random things in my head. Hopefully I'll continue with my old readers too, and find some new ones.

I'm currently at a place in my life where I am *starting over*-- breaking away from old habits to the best of my ability, and breaking away from the bad apples in my life, so what better way to do that than to start with a new blog. Chances are, this will have a lot of my weight loss successes and struggles because as most people know, I am on an on going diet where I currently can't just seem to lose the weight.

I just recently finished my first round of nursing school and graduated this past May- Go me :) However, there's more to come because Lord knows I can never settle for just being a plain ol' nurse... I need to specialize and be better. BUT this time, I'm not in such a hurry to get to the end of that route. In time.

I'm 27 years old, and well my goal is to get it together before I'm 30. Move out on my own, work full time, get on with my adult life which is clearly overdue.... please save me the comments! I know, but with everything I've been through in the last 6 years- home was what was comforting for me. I'm okay with it, but not forever haha.

I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS.... who know's if I will ever be complete and not in progress... but you'll soon find I'm a mess, just trying to find my way back to me.